The Accidental Cougar

The first time someone referred to me as a ‘cougar’, I was not happy. In my mind, a cougar is a predator; someone who sees a helpless, more vulnerable being, pursues it and then devours it. Usually in their 40’s and desperately lonely and dealing with growing insecurities about their looks and accomplishments, they feel dejected, most likely because their men have moved on to younger women. It’s not that I don’t get lonely and depressed but that’s not me. I am enjoying my 40’s and I look and feel young. I was a teenage mother and I am the oldest of five, so I really didn’t have much of a childhood. After raising siblings and children, an eight year marriage, running two businesses and getting divorced, I was finally free of; pets, subservience, martyr-ism, and exhaustion. With fewer responsibilities, I was free to run wild and explore life from a selfish and reckless perspective; much like an 18 year old that just moved out of their parent’s home. I have to admit; I was loving the freedom and having fun.

After my divorce, I was not interested in being a team player and holed myself up for awhile. When I finally decided to emerge and join the human race, I did it with a mission. I was going to date myself sick. Unfortunately, there was nothing decent out there and the ones that I thought were decent, were not interested in me. What confused me was the ones that were decent AND interest in me were much younger than I. While I was flattered (very), I was also confused and apprehensive. Why would a healthy energetic, youngster with his whole life ahead of him want to date someone who has arthritis, poor eyesight and has already experienced everything he wants to? What is their agenda? Are they looking for a sugar mama, teacher or a mother figure? Are they genuinely attracted to and appreciative of confident, independent women who know what they want?

It occurred to me that this was not new. When my son was a teenager and he had a group of friends that would come over to drag him off to no good. They never treated me like the other mothers. The conversations were full of bravado about who they wanted to beat down or the skateboard trick they were trying to master. I found it amusing but I took it as they were comfortable around me because I wasn’t another condescending adult. It wasn't until later on in life, my son informed me that his friends thought I was hot. Even today, when I go to his gigs they hit on me (some of the same ones) and want to know if I’m going to show up for them. When the cougar comment happened one too many times, I took a poll comprised of acquaintances, co-workers and complete strangers and the results were, I am a MILF (Mother I'd Like (to) F*ck), not a cougar, because I don’t go after them, they come after me. According to the Urban Dictionary, a MILF is any mother that is sexually desirable (that’s the G-rated description). A MILF is considered a sub-category of cougar; a less aggressive form. People see cougar in me because I am a little feisty.

Disenchanted with my on again, off again relationship with a man my age, my lack of suitable options in the dating world, and the younger mans persistence, I went to a land where the men had hair and natural six-packs. Man, I missed them. The Cubs are yummy! First of all, is it me or do they seem to be a bit more mature than men my age? I find them more romantic and they know how to have an intelligent, passionate discussion. In fact, they know the difference between a discussion and an argument. Men my age? Everything is an argument. I have found that younger men are not as intimidated by intelligence or bluntness and they appreciate the effort it takes to be a woman. Younger men are inquisitive, and while they tend to lack experience in bed, they have absolutely no problem taking the test until they get an A. There have been some duds but for the most part, I see the appeal. Is it the lack of baggage or is it the wide eyed optimism and adrenaline junkie energy that I find attractive? It’s like getting a steady flow of Red Bull.

My relationships with younger men seem to be more honest because there are no expectations and no head games, we are equals and no one is going into them thinking of building a life together. The problem is before this, I had never been in a relationship that was based on sex and little else. I came out of married life and found that substance is commitment phobic and the closer you get to someone, the farther they run. We live in a disposable, ADD society and nobody really wants to connect in an authentic way, so I learned not to put the expectation of monogamy out there, especially with younger men and that keeps the lies to a minimum. It also lets them know that you are not completely wrapped up in them and are still taking applications. I’m not falling into the girlfriend (a.k.a. reliable source of sex) trap. Although I may interview more than I guy for the job; I can only hire one. Leaping from bed-to-bed has never been my thing.

Can it be that this is the age of the cougar and older women are the new black? Look at all the television shows that feature women of a certain age; Real Housewives of (insert city), The Cougar, She’s Got the Look, Rock of Love, America’s Hottest Rocker Mom, Cougar Town. Sugar Ray’s new cd is called “Music for Cougars: An Ode to Women of a Certain Age. You won’t catch me complaining and for all of those women who mourn the loss of their relationships because some wrinkly, flaccid male had left them for a twelve year old, there is hope. Yes, you too can bag a cutie straight from high school just look at Linda Hogan. She wasted no time getting a cub and while she has faced loads of public scrutiny and betrayal from her own offspring, I applaud her (read my blog). If it were a man dating a woman 30 years his junior, there would be very little scrutiny. The gossip columnist in me scrutinizes her taste for men with stingy, blond hair, however. Although it is trendy to be a cougar and to be with a cougar, it’s not a fad, it’s here to stay.

While I did not go looking for a younger man and I feel like Mary Kay Letourneau at times, I am going to leave myself open to the experience. I’ll consider it another thing to take off my bucket list. True, the same old issues are there as with any other category of man; selfishness, commitment phobic, work obsessed, excessive exaggeration and insensitivity, they are so eager and excited, and they give off so much energy. With so few options out there, they simply can’t be ruled out and I can tell you there is nothing better than being out with a young hottie and running into your ex with his hot mess. Revenge is too sweet when you have an adoring cub by your side.

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